At 65 by the grace given me

So this happened. Sixty-five revolutions around Old Sol completed as of 2 ish this morning. While I am far from finished with the exploration of this life, it feels right to take a moment and reflect on the road so far. Exploration is a messy undertaking and my life reflects the risk and rewards of experience. I am formed by decisions good and bad. Married three times. Divorced twice and widowed once and now in a significant partnership, l have learned to love women and learned through loving them how to love myself and the greater sphere of life lived well. I envy my brother who is celebrating 41 years of marriage with my amazing sister-in-law. That gift wasn't mine, but I live the gift of grace and each heart commitment and each heart break massaged into my being a deeper understanding of myself among others.

My brother and sister and I grew up with our compliment of advantages and liabilities. Our house could be a violent place as well a place of love. I was saturated in both, and the war between those two natures nearly undid me. It was sheer grace that got me through my young manhood. Smart, strong, and hyper-aware of my environment, I was frustrated with myself and my place in life much of the time. Taming rage has been one of my occupations throughout my life. Using my powers responsibly took decades and some damage done as well as some good. Did I mention the importance of grace in my life?

For me, and many others, grace has a name and a personality and is the point of entry to an uncharted vastness. Jesus interrupted my descent into hatred and destruction and has been my companion ever since. That relationship has been damn complicated and turned me inside out. Note the multiple marriages and the damages done. No man or woman is a divine puppet. God is not in control. We are. And that is sometimes terrifying. Jesus is the vision of what can be if we commit to that vision and let it change us. But there is no determinism in this life beyond our various entry points. But there is Divine help as we learn to let that Spirit into our lives, and for the strong-willed, that involves some scar tissue. For me, by grace, there is no infection festering under those scars. By grace I've done my work.

Grace has flowed through numerous relationships. The wilderness, the guitar, the doctorate, band-mates and performances worldwide, belay partner-mountaineers, professors, friends, poets, artists, Vicki, Gina, T'Amra, being Dad. Raising Arend was a profound gift of grace. My mom told me when Vicki was pregnant I would have to cease my risk-taking adventures. Not so much. Arend came with. Sometimes strapped into a backpack, sometimes in an ocean kayak, most times somewhere in the house. I'm a fierce protector of those I love. A one-time martial artist, I have significant skills, but they are of little use when raising a son. A man's ability to protect turns out to be quite limited. Rarely is main force required or even desired. No, not the violent side of the upbringing, but the multiple avenues of love imperfect mark one on the journey of being Dad.

Coming to be a "Dad-by-Choice" through Ginny and John is the imperfect love journey. I had Gina's kids in my house for such a short time. It is a different kind of Dad. The imperfections seem to loom large. My reach to bring the good to them seems too limited. My abilities to prepare my kids for their respective journeys in life feels incomplete to me. Perhaps that is the unavoidable reality of it. They will complete a life I will not see. May grace attend their doings as the Spirit of grace has attended mine.

So here at 65 with both teacher retirement and social "insecurity" coming in, and yet more work to be done, more songs to be written, and more love to give and receive, I have what by grace I have become. And so do you. God be with us.